his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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