i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
