I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
