I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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