Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
