hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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