Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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