I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Randomize
