I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
