he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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