She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
