I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
