If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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