3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
