We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
