My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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