so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
