Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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