...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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