he told me I talked like a deaf person
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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