A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
