one two three fourrrrnication!
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
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shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
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Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
and you fell through a lawn chair