Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..