My room smells like vodka and shame
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out