seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.