So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing