You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
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Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you