Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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