All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
