Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
soo... how was my night?
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