Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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