youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
