So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
