I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
