god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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