im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
the day after is always just damage control
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
