I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
