just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
