I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
