Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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