we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
