I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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