TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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