How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
