Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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