Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Still dying that you shit outside
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
