The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
