my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
