i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
