Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Is Oprah even human
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
