If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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