Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
