I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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