Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
