When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
