i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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