when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
